Throughout my life I’ve been able to perfectly express my feelings through poetry, short stories, and novels. If you want to get to know me, the only true way to do so is to read what I write. So, after days of absorbing the news about the death of music legend, Prince, I am finally able to express my feelings.
Since my mother died I’ve developed this very strange relationship with death. It’s like the cousin you don’t particularly like, but since he’s your cousin you tolerate him.
When I read the report of Prince passing (8 minutes after blogger B.Scott posted it) I gasped for air. I immediately went to Prince’sInstagramm page to check his last post, it was 4 days prior. I checked other news sources trying to confirm the information. Within minutes, I learned that it was true. Prince was dead.
My brain then went to that same desert it lived in when my mother died. That dry, deserted, unbearable, lonely, lifeless place where I am “in” the world but unable to “experience” the world. The place where I question everything I thought I knew and try to make sense of God, Heaven, Hell. The place where I become a walking zombie; a robot, moving through life but not fully engaged in living.
My writing ceased as I tried to wrap my head around the fact that one of the greatest artists alive was no longer. Damn, Prince.
After three days of meditation on this, I still haven’t come to terms with it. My mourning encompasses much more than sadness over Prince’s death. I’m mourning the possibility of me not living my greatest life. I often fear that my mother, though she had an amazing hold on all who knew her, did not experience the totality of God’s plan for her. I strive to avoid that. I’ve come to a place now where I am chasing God, running after Him and all he has for me. I don’t want my living to be in vain.
Over the past few years, I’ve meditated on these questions: What exactly is death and what does it mean to die? What type of impact will I have? What emotions will my death stir in people when they reflect on my life? Will I make a difference? What does God have for me?
I haven’t found the answers yet. But I certainly aim to live a purpose-driven life. I pray that you do the same.
Rest in peace, Prince. Your life certainly mattered to me.